De moppenhoek

[Brazuca]

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How did you get that eye patch?

A sailor and a pirate are in a bar recounting their adventures at sea. Seeing the pirate’s peg-leg, hook, and eye patch the sailor asks: “So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?”

The pirate replies: “We were caught in a huge storm and a giant wave swept me overboard. Just as me crew were pullin’ me out a school of sharks appeared and one of ’em bit me leg off.”

“Blimey!” said the sailor . “And how’d you get the hook?”

“Arrrr…”, mused the old salt, “I got into a fight over a woman in a bar, and me hand got chopped off.”

“Blimey!” remarked the sailor. “And how about the eye patch?”

“Oh that,” said the pirate, looking embarrassed. A seagull droppin’ fell into me eye.”

“You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?” the questioner asked incredulously.

“Well…” said the old sea dog, ” it was me first day with the hook.”

[gerard tenerife]

Subject: Complaints



Don’t you just love the English Language?

Only in Maesglas -Complaints to Newport Councils from Maesglas housing estate
Extracts from letters written by council tenants:

1. It's the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.

2. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

3.. I wish to complain that my father twisted his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

4. Their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

5. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other day that blew them off.

6.. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?

7. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

8. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.

9. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen..

10. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster, and 50% are just plain filthy.

11. The next door neighbour has got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.

12. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

13. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.

14. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and now is in three pieces.

15. I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me.

16. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

17. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it.

18. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.

19. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife...

20. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.

21. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2.

22. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it. (Yes, that's very serious I think !)

[jacko]

Je zult het maar nodig hebben.

[HENK HERMANNS]

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[gerard tenerife]

A young monk arrives at the monastery.
He is
Assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons
And laws of the church, by hand.
He notices, however, that all of the monks are
Copying from copies, not from the original manuscript.
So, the new monk goes to the Old Abbot to question
This, pointing out that if someone made even a small
Error in the first copy, it would never be picked up!
In fact, that error would be continued in all of
The subsequent copies.

The head monk, says, "We have been copying
From the copies for centuries, but you make a
Good point, my son."

He goes down into the dark caves
Underneath the monastery where the original
Manuscripts are held as archives,
In a locked vault that hasn't
Been opened for hundreds of years.
Hours go by and nobody sees the Old Abbot.

So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him.
He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing.
"We missed the
R
We missed the
R



We missed the bloody
R
His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.

The young monk asks the old Abbot, "What's wrong, father?"


With a choking voice, the old Abbot replies,


"The word was ....

CELEBRATE!"

[A.Kuiper/J.Pessoa/BR]

's avonds op de bruiloft na het huwelijk vraagt een kameraad
aan de bruidegom of hij ook naaktfoto's van het bruidje heeft.
''Ben jij besodemieterd'' zegt hij.''Hoe kom je er bij!''
Zegt zijn kameraad: ''Wil je er dan een paar van mij hebben?''

[gerard tenerife]

Global Facts About Sex
At any given moment:

FACT: 79,000,000 people are having sex - right now.

FACT: 58,000,000 are kissing.

FACT: 37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex.

FACT: 1 old person is reading this.

[A.Kuiper/J.Pessoa/BR]

Opa, zijn zoon en kleinzoon zijn 5 dagen naar Parijs geweest.
Op de terugreis in de auto zegt de kleinzoon:
''Wat zijn de vrouwen daar mooi hé.''
Zegt zijn vader:
''En wat hebben ze een techniek.''
Zegt opa tenslotte:
''En wat hebben ze een geduld.''

[Jacob Bothof]

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Zonder woorden

[gerard tenerife]

A driver is pulled over by a policeman. The policeman approaches the drivers door.
"Is there a problem, Officer?"
The policeman says, "Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your license please?"
The driver responds, "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."
"You don't have one?"
The man responds, "I lost it four times for drink driving."
The policeman is shocked. "I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?"
"I'm sorry, I can't do that."
The policeman says, "Why not?"
"I stole this car."
The officer says, "Stole it?"
The man says, "Yes, and I killed the owner."
At this point the officer is getting irate. "You what?"
"She's in the boot if you want to see."
The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half-drawn gun.
The senior officer says, "Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!"
The man steps out of his vehicle. "Is there a problem, sir?"
"One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner."
"Murdered the owner?"
The officer responds, "Yes, could you please open the boot of your car please?"
The man opens the boot, revealing nothing but an empty boot.
The officer says, "Is this your car sir?"
The man says, "Yes" and hands over the registration papers.
The officer, understandably, is quite stunned. "One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving licence."
The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the licence. He looks quite puzzled. "Thank you, sir. One of my officers told me you didn't have a licence, stole this car, and murdered the owner."
The man replies, "I bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too!"